“Welcome to the Theme Park of Women’s Bodies,” says Tina, our tour guide through the amusement park, with attractions like the River of Menses, the Land of Sex and Sexuality and the Palace of Female Empowerment. But despite Tina’s best efforts to hide the truth, this theme park is not the bastion of feminism and progress it purports to be. Cooper’s sardonic voice guides us through “The Theme Park of Women’s Bodies” in today’s New Voices!
While we’re here, let’s have a few trivia questions. First, can anyone tell me the original name of the theme park? No, I’m afraid “Tittyville” is not the correct answer, sir. Any other guesses? Yes, you there, in the sunglasses. That’s right! Until 1988, the Theme Park of Women’s Bodies was officially called WomynWorld. The name was changed after the purchase of the park by Nabisco. That’s right, Nabisco, the company that makes Oreos!
Welcome to the Theme Park of Women’s Bodies! I’m Tina, I use she/her pronouns, and I’ll be your tour guide today as we explore the park, making stops at the River of Menses, the Land of Sex and Sexuality, the Palace of Female Empowerment, and our newest addition, Beautyland. Before we begin, management requires me to run through a few ground rules: No running, no outside food and drink, and no unauthorized video recording. Finally, we ask you to please remember that the park is a no-smoking facility and weapons of any kind are not permitted.
On to the good stuff: The tour will take approximately one hour and will end right in front of the entrance to the Miracle of Life, one of our most popular rides, which allows guests to follow an ovum from the moment of conception through the various stages of development and finally, experience the birthing process through a state-of-the-art twenty-five-foot model of a woman’s vagina!
Before we get going, I’d like to invite anyone who is visiting the park for the first time to raise their hands. We are always particularly excited to welcome new visitors, and my assistant, Andie, will be coming around with a special souvenir for those of you just beginning your empowerment journey. That’s right! Andie is passing out a few of this month’s limited-edition collectible tampons. These tampons, courtesy of one of our sponsors, Tampax, can also be purchased in any of our gift shops. Enjoy, folx!
Now, with no further ado, let’s get started. Our first stop on the tour is the historic park entrance, fondly known as the Boob. Our founders, who originally envisioned the park as a monument to the feminist movement, imagined visitors entering through a model of a breast because they considered it a universal symbol of the woman’s body. While today we have a more nuanced appreciation for the relationship between biological sex, gender identity, and expression—not all women have breasts!—at twenty-three stories, the Boob is still quite the architectural marvel! The original park committee commissioned an all-female team of architects to tackle the design, and the nipple at the top was sculpted from one-hundred-percent Italian marble. The areola, made of glass, is illuminated every night. As we pass through, make sure to take a look at the photos of our founders on display. These are the women we have to thank for this important landmark, although you may note that fashions have changed somewhat in the last forty or so years. Get a load of those haircuts!